daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
You Might Also Like
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.