Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.