That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
You Might Also Like
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
*checks Timeline*…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a