the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
What do you hear?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!