My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Who says great literature is dead?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
welcome back
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.