Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
A roof is a house hat.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever