My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
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[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)