My safe word is Worcestershire
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Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Realize this:
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting