For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.