I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.