Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]