you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter