Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.