there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
$4 #usedbooks
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.