Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*