whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.