Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.