If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If snakes were wide
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.