me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.