So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.