[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.