For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me My dog
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Friends that check up on you >
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training