the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???