A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(人__つ_つ
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL