Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time