Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My inexpensive home security system…
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
#FunnyLife Insects
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
School be like
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.