So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?