Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I know
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.