Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.