Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
You Might Also Like
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves