I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.