We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.