{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.