9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.