The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
What a chick magnet..
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?