Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“I’m helping” 😅
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.