Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
A completely valid reaction tbh
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!