I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.