I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Found the job I’m suited for
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.