Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Wait a minute
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
😩😩😩
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves