Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve