Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK