Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Teach your children to beatbox
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Grow up never but we old may grow we
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun