I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!