Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Well, this certainly took a turn
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.