Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
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It’s a gift
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it鈥檚 the best revenge ever
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
It鈥檚 a bird, it鈥檚 a plane, it鈥檚 a chick that鈥檚 gone insane
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 馃馃槀
Whenever I鈥檓 worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 饾槼饾槮饾樁饾槾饾槩饾槪饾槶饾槮 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I鈥檓 going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don鈥檛 understand but it sounds amazing.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I鈥檒l be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.