Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
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Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Finally
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.