fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.