5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”