Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off